Holding on to Three

Maddy sitting in the chair his daddy made.

Madeus turns four next week and I feel as if he is transforming into four before my eyes.  There are times where growth seems subtle and there are times, like now, where each day when he wakes up I can feel, see, and breathe the growth.  I don't know why the universe needs to make this harder on a mama. 

In the last two weeks, I have bought all new pants for him, new shoes, and transitioned him into his upper preschool classroom.  He talks about it all the time as well.  When he wakes he says, "I slept longer than everyone because I am growing. Look." (And he holds his hands above his head to show me how big he has gotten overnight. And he is right, he has).  He has started asking a lot about his birth from the basics to very specific questions of how he came out of a small thing like a vagina and how dirty he must have been!!! (I thought I had a few years on this but no).  He talks about how late he was coming out (two weeks!) and how he was supposed to be born on Grammy's birthday...

We talk about the move from three to four a lot as well.  Some days, when I am frustrated with him and I say, "you are not acting like a four year old." And he responds with, "I am still three." Some days, I tell him not to grow up and he says, "I am going to.  I am going to get bigger and bigger and bigger." Then he counts each year he will grow,"First I was one, then I was two, now I am three....."  Then I half-jokingly begin to cry.  He comforts me a lot. He says it will be fun when we are both older.  He asks why it makes me sad.  I try to be careful with my anxiety over his growth and remind him that I love him at every age. 

He is more emotional, more independent, and at the same time more here with me than in the past.  And a strange wonderful thing has been happening that reminds me of the eve of his first birthday. I will caveat this with, I think he may be sick.  However, we were at a restaurant the other night and he fell asleep on my lap hugging me.  THIS NEVER HAPPENS.  This morning he wanted to lie with me on the couch, I showed him where his heart is so he could hear the beating and he just laid on me resting.  THIS NEVER HAPPENS. On the eve of his first birthday I said a very similar statement, as he fell asleep on me and I carried him to bed.  

Even more so than his actual birthday, the weeks before, that waiting time, continue to resonant with me, and I like to think it resonates with him a bit too.