Month five: This $#*% is Bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

4 month appointment: 15.6 lbs, shots went well although he was much more irritable afterwards, laughed at the nurses and played on the bed after the needles.

I have a wise friend who told me a few months ago to get as much done with school now because life with Madeus will only get more hectic. I took her advice and finished my doctoral exams, but I didn't realize how overwhelming the last month would feel...hence the lack of posts

I have said over and over how fast Madeus is growing and how much he changes everyday. The last week has proved to be no exception and I would say that the transformation is much more drastic than I have previously experienced. He rolled over several times from front to back and acts like it is something he has always known how to do. He ate a small bit of rice cereal today for the first time and it seemed like he had been using a spoon all of his long life. He even made sounds that had a strong resemblance to mmmhh and smiled after each bite. He has a distinct new cry that is piercing and made us panic the first several times until we realized it is just his new way of telling us he is annoyed (yay for us). He put his feet in the ocean and walked (assisted of course) in the sand. He truly noticed the dog for the first time and put his hand out to pet him. He discovered he likes how he looks in the mirror. He holds hands more readily, sits up more strongly, and grasps toys (particularly anything cloth) more frequently. He spits up less and drools more. He is more quick to smile at you when you arrive and cry when you leave. He snuggles more, sucks harder, and demands more. He is rapidly becoming his own little person.

And I feel overwhelmed...

Some of it has been the lack of sleep. Madeus, who slept 7-7 with a dream feed at 10 from week 8 decided at week 16 to beginning waking in the night. I believe this is worse than if he had never slept through, we just weren't prepared. We were still all sleeping upstairs (see earlier post) and traveling quite a bit and I just started to feed him when he woke. Teaching at 8am was never a good idea but has felt so much worse in his new routine. I actually fell asleep when I parked my car to go into my class last week, luckily it was only for a few winks. Our pediatrician suggested we stop feeding him in the middle of the night and while I was quite skeptical, after a few nights, while he is still waking, he has put himself back to bed at least once. We have moved back into our room and our house has much more of a calm look to it.

Some of it has been hard decisions Mike and I have been grappling with about our next move which is approaching quickly. Colorado was wonderful but confirmed how much we want to be near our family and friends. Unfortunately it looks as if it will be a few more years before that may happen. It is hard for me to think about all the things I am missing experiencing with my family, especially when Madeus seems to be transforming daily.

Some of it has been recent tragedy in our UNC community as our student body president was shot to death and recent rash of crime has put me on edge. The vulnerability you feel when you become a parent is truly overwhelming.

Some of it is school burnout and the desire to be home with Madeus. The other day I was just waiting for his naps so I could get work done. The anxiety and all encompassing presence of school makes me lose perspective on this amazing new person in my life. My relationship with my work/school has always been complicated but has grown increasingly so since his birth.

Some of it is his continued reliance on breastfeeding, learning how to co-parent, problems with the bottle (although extra warming has helped lately), and the confusion of my desire and at the same time lack of desire to have time away from him and his feeding schedule.

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Madeus and I walked along the ocean together in Charleston, South Carolina this week. Part of the reason I wanted to have a child was to feel part of something larger than myself. In some ways it is how I feel in the presence of the ocean. It is all encompassing, uncontrollable, and provokes such a vulnerability in me I sometimes find it hard to breathe. Those first few months of motherhood I felt there was more room to just be with this little person. I truly have never felt as relaxed with what was expected of me than in that first week after his birth. But in the last few months life has picked up its pace again, Mad is no longer the newest baby on the block, Mike and I went back to school and work, I realized how behind I was in everything, and I guess I miss some of that newlywed glow of the early days of motherhood.

And yet, I will go wake Madeus now for his dream feeding, and nothing feels better than picking him up into my arms in the deep night as his nursery warmly glows from his turtle night light.